So my mom is dying, she is hospice and has refused dialysis. For those that do not know, if your kidneys are failing they put you on dialysis. Dialysis does the work your kidneys would normally do, of filtering your blood. Basically they put a shunt to your arm, they take blood out, it goes through a filter, than blood goes back in ( it also removes excess fluid because your kidneys are not working). Anyways, I am not sure how I feel, I feel pretty indifferent. I have not cried, me and my mom do not have the best relationship. Most of the time I feel guilty for being so cold hearted, and not being able to feel sad because she is going to die. Is this wrong, I am not sure, but I can cry for feeling guilty that I am not sad at her eventual passing.
School is starting and it was overwhelming, it is the final semester. So maybe that is their point. They ask why we are nervous about doing a fake health assessment on a teacher that we just met on the first day? Because you are not only grading us, they are also the patient, they are also not really sick or in need of care and there is not anything to really assess we just go through the talking of assessing (which for me is harder than actually doing it). I think the majority of nurses I have met either have this TYPE A personality (with the caps lock on btw). They are super organized on border with OCD and are exacting and have high expectations. All good qualities I would expect in an instructor, but this does not ease my nervousness at all, but it does make me respect them, and it makes me respect their opinions.
I have been engrossed in original stories lately that people post on the internet. It is really interesting. I find that sometimes, some are not so good, some are confusing and not in the way if you read it a couple times it gets better or you understand it down the road. I have found that I prefer non-smut stories, written on the internet anyways. When I read sex scenes sometimes I find it almost clinical, prefuntionary, almost amateurish. I duno if those words are adequate to describe it or correct they are just the ones that come into my head. Sometimes they are really, really, hot and I think they should definitely write romance full time lol (when I say romance I mean those trashy romance novels I love so much). Sometimes I wonder why does this person write on the internet, I would buy this, but meh. I once read that people have a hard time actually submitting work to a publisher because, they are afraid of failure. Which is probably true in some sense, but even though I write, I would rather read. Ideas only come to me, if I can not do a search and a book doesn't come up, that meets the criteria in my idea for the book. I usually get tired of it to, and stop and than the idea fades as soon as it is on paper.
I've been having drowning dreams lately. I am in at nursing clinical (a hospital), I get locked in a small room with a a large sink. I turn on the faucet and it sprays in my face, and keeps spraying and I can not stop it. I can not open the door either and I can not breathe, than I wake up.
I went to New York this summer. It was fun. I lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks there. Finally got down to 125. It is so fast paced there. I do not think New York would be be for me, even though ever since I read "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" I have wanted to live there ever since. I would feel lonely there. Shocker right, there are tons of people there, and it was a lonely feeling. It is like standing in a room full of 50 people you do not know, except New York blows it out of proportion, instead of the 50 people making you lonely it is thousands of people. We went to Coney Island, it was fun the ferris wheel was fun (if you go there, go on it) I do not think I have ever felt so scared in my life on a ferris wheel. I was white knuckled, and was wondering why there was so belts for safety. We saw Book of Mormon, it's a good musical. We went to see the 2 comedy shows, they were funny. The smell in New York (in times square) was kind of bordering on gross a mash of BO, the sewage system, food from random vendors, and perfume/cologne. It is quite a strange mix.
